Among other things, in the past couple weeks, “Krusty” was stabbed several times, but fortunately is doing well now, “Ringo” was hospitalized and pretty incoherent when we last visited him, and “Lee” was dealing with the pain and thought of the possibly of his best friend not surviving another day. One would think that with all of this happening my thoughts and prayers would be for God to continue to make himself, his glory, his comfort, peace, and love to be made known to those He has created.
Unfortunately, I responded in a much shallower fashion. My mind was consumed with my computer. For the past week I could not access the internet through my computer. At first I thought it may have been a virus, but more likely it was something I did, that I shouldn’t have. I tinkered around, installing and uninstalling things as if they’d gone out of style all with the hopes of undoing whatever it was I had done, but to no avail. I then asked a friend, who works with computers, to take a look at my computer. I was pretty confident that he would be able to figure out what was wrong and correct the error. He tried, but was just as baffled as I was.
The thing is I only use the internet to check my email, search for information for work, and occasionally buy books, but not having it for one week on my computer; I was debilitated from doing anything else. I could still access the internet from other computers in the office, but the thought of it being disabled on MY computer made me incapable of doing anything else. Everything was futile. Life couldn’t go on, because I couldn’t get my computer to work. It is silly I know, but thankfully God used even this shallow and silly episode of my life to reveal and teach me something.
The past few weeks I have been having one long Solomon moment. No, I don’t feel as if the wisdom of the world has been granted to me, but I keep questioning the futility of it all. I didn’t know where it was stemming from, and really didn’t care to explore it very much. Approaching God with it wasn’t even a thought, but through this whole computer experience I had to face it.
I felt completely powerless in fixing my computer. I tried clicking on all kinds of things and changing the settings for this and that, but regardless of what I did, nothing changed. The ridiculous part is that I know absolutely nothing about computers. I guess I still thought I could somehow magically figure it out and solve all my problems. I was wrong. I was powerless, and that fact was becoming painfully clearer and clearer. With those feelings of powerlessness came my attitude of what’s the point of working on anything else?
So I had to ask myself is my general sense of futility from feelings of powerlessness? Yes! There is much I feel powerless about in regards to work, school, life in general, but rather than admitting my powerlessness I’d rather do whatever I could to conjure up a sense of control, and if that doesn’t work, resort to what’s the point? It’s all futile. Real mature, I know. As I came to this realization I grabbed my bible and went straight for Ecclesiastes. What I found was not a man who threw up his hands in exasperation, as I’m so prone to do, but a man aware of his position before God and the absolute futility of life were He not the sovereign God He is. But He is sovereign and much more, and my feelings of powerlessness should be expected as that is my condition. But I don’t have to feel like things are pointless, because I can’t do anything about it, because “I know that everything GOD does will remain forever; there is nothing to add to it and there is nothing to take from it…” Ecclesiastes 3:14a. I just have to believe that. - susan